How The Narcissistic Bully Manipulates Your Friends

Some creep at a party starts saying mean things to and about you, upsetting you, putting you down, turning you into the butt of jokes, cutting you out of conversation, pedantically correcting everything you say. You might think this would be easy to address.  You tell the creep to back off, lighten up on you or go away, and he should apologise while withdrawing. You might also expect observing friends to intervene, challenging the bully for what he is obviously and blatantly doing in plain view of others, but your friends seem to ignore the situation, fail to notice what is going on, or even laugh, and nod their heads approvingly towards the bully in his antics. They are brainwashed and manipulated.

You might try to discreetly approach the hosts of the social event to notify them of your discomfort regarding a bully’s behaviour towards you either during the party or on the days, weeks and months that follow,  What you would presumably hope is that the host will be shocked and saddened to hear what went on, and agree to confront and question the bully, making it clear to them that such behaviour is inappropriate, offensive and not cool. The host should ideally consider demanding that the bully issue you an apology and never attempt such behaviour again, or if necessary, actually expel the bully from their social circle, and make it clear that they are not invited to any future social gatherings they organise. 

The reality is sadly that your friends, being also the bully’s friends, often close ranks and either sit on the fence avoiding getting involved at all, or actually side with the bully, defending him, or her against your call for exposure, and closure. 

Not wanting to get involved is bad enough in itself. Sitting on the fence and trying to deny that the conflict has anything to do with them is utterly delusional. They invited the bully to their event along with the targeted victim, and they have a duty to ensure that all guests at their event are happy, comfortable and safe. Once aware that any conflict is taking place, or has taken place at an event in their name, they have a duty to look into the situation, if only to ensure that the problem cannot repeat, escalate, or continue at future soirees. 

Of course, the host, if genuinely oblivious of what has happened, should question the validity of the accusations being raised, to ensure that the victim is not actually the aggressor,  or exaggerating the problem raised.  More often than not however, the hosts will see details in the concerns raised that tie in to what they know of the events they saw or heard of as going on at the party.

The fence sitting plays totally to the advantage of the bully. It tells him that he has got away with what he has done. He becomes confident that he can do it again, and again and again. He can even up the ante and get even more cruel, and cutting, to one specific victim or even to multiple targets. The hosts continue to turn a blind eye, make excuses like, ‘it’s just a joke’, ‘the victim is being over-sensitive’, etc. The behaviour becomes so normalised and commonplace for the bully that the hosts and other friends not directly on the receiving end of his verbal, passive-aggressive attacks might think there is something wrong if he doesn’t reduce the target to the straight-man for his cruel esteem crushing behaviour. The behaviour becomes habitual, cocky, and so commonplace that witnesses barely register it as unusual or worrying at all. 

The hosts of the social event, and the mutual friends of both the bully and the target are not, or at least do not start out as being bad people in themselves. They are people who would be deeply hurt to find an aggressive, malevolently intentioned wilfully cruel predatory bully in their midst.  Finding somebody suddenly declaring that there is someone like that, and attempting to name and shame them, is a shock to the system. It not only criticises the bully, but also even indirectly tarnishes the reputation of the others for being around when it has all been kicking off.

Some psychologists have a name for the people who end up becoming the Narcissistic Bully’s defenders and mostly unwitting accomplices, ‘Flying monkeys’. The term  relates to the Wicked Witch’s army of minions in The Wizard Of Oz. They just unquestioningly hurl themselves out of her castle window to go on missions for the witch. The bully isn’t just playing the victims along, but orchestrating the observers and witnesses too. 

How can you be sure that a guest you have invited to your house, or hired venue for some social gathering, is not a bully acting like a psychic vampire on one or more of your guests.  Clearly you like to think you are a good person. Known violent drunkards or once convicted paedophiles (if children are among your guests) are not going to be on your guest list,  or asked to leave quickly once discovered.  

After initial meet and greet duties, taking coats, showing everyone where the bathrooms, food, drink, etc are you may be busy moving around checking on everything from the music system to arranging taxis for guests coming and going. When you ask guests if they are happy and have everything they need, they will usually say they are fine, even when in fact they are not. No one would want to say, ‘well frankly no,I feel miserable and I think your party sucks’.  You should however look for guests who seem detached, or look uncomfortable even in a crowd. 

Look also for who are the guests dominating and hogging the limelight in conversations, especially if they are in close proximity to the less comfortable looking guest(s). These dominators, the alpha-guests, are the ones likely to be exhibiting Narcissistic tendencies.  This isn’t guaranteed of course, as some people are genuinely just great conversationalists who have sufficient charisma to draw attention, being witty and entertaining. If Oscar Wilde turned up at a party, he would inevitably naturally own the room.  

The Narcissist however is not Oscar Wilde, though he would like to be. He is more likely to be a Marquis Of Queensbury (the chap who got Wilde arrested for then criminalised homosexuality) . He may have a crude charisma, and some audacity but he is more likely to set out predatarily to hog the conversation, and sharply aggressively interrupt others to secure the attention of the audience. 

Listen in, and observe. Think on who the dominator is, how he arrived, and behaved from the instant he turned up on the doorstep.  A narcissist often purposely turns up a bit later than most guests,  loudly announcing his presence. He might bring a more expensive drinks selection or gifts than other guests. He will holler helloes to many guests, and even go right to people, shaking hands (sometimes even with guests he never met before). It will be like a King or prince at a royal gala, shaking hands with the cast after the performance. He is making the guests feel privileged and blessed to have him present among them, like he is there by special request, and the true star of the show. He will flaunt himself like a movie star. 

In all this grandstanding parading he may well miss out one or more people. This is not an accidental oversight, but an intentional snub, a signal to them  that they are unworthy of his attention and pleasure.  At one party I attended on New Year’s Eve 2022, the creep doing this actually turned to me after this stunt and told me he had done it, actually going, ‘eeew, not you. I don’t think so.’ This was despite and most likely in full knowledge that I already feel distanced from people through having had bowel cancer and sporting a permanent barely concealed stoma incision that requires frequent colostomy bag changes.  

Observe further, be you host or general guest. The Narcissist will quickly read the rooms, seeing where the main clusters are. A group standing or sitting attentive or in laughter at some conversationalist will suddenly find itself invaded. 

Now clearly, as conversations flow, people naturally come and go, joining in or slipping away. People move on to mingle with other guests. They may go to the bathrooms or for more food/drink and get sidetracked by other guests and not make it back for a while; some guests may have to leave for home or another engagement, etc.  Others come over to observe and join in with the chat. The Narcissist will go further than this, effectively seizing charge of the conversation, reducing others to agreeing with his observations, and often, if not too knowledgeable (or able to bluff being an expert) on the theme of the discussion, the Narcissist will take it by tangents to a topic he knows better, effectively taking the high ground.  

The Narcissist will be particularly wary of anyone else articulate and sharp enough to understand the topic, and very keen to interrupt, trivialise and belittle them at every turn, often making snide asides to undermine their point of view, possibly making them look and feel stupid. (they are not stupid). The interrupter is merciless if he feels someone might counter-interrupt him. The topic will be dominated by the word, ‘I’  because the topic, be it a James Bond movie or Tudor history, is now really the Narcissist himself, the expert, the best, the winner. The conversation is a game, like Monopoly, and the Narcissist aims to monopolise and win.  The conversation is reduced to a husk, and the Narcissist looks for another conversation thread to crunch in the same way. Rinse-repeat all party long.     

The Narcissist will frequently talk about other people behind their backs, absent guests, someone temporarily out of the room, and even those deceased or absent due to ill-health.  The Narcissist will also do a lot of gaslighting, outright lying, blaming someone for some perceived or minor hurt, and sewing seeds of doubt about the people he wants to target. He will actually come over as very cold, unsympathetic and lacking empathy for anyone who seems unhappy or mournful.  He will show zero concern for those in some form of recovery or grief. If anything, their vulnerabilities will make them easy targets for his rampages. He doesn’t care one jot who he tramples into the ground and hurts. He may even get a thrill or sexual gratification from seeing the distress he generates around himself. 

The Narcissist may well have a partner in tow, (girlfriend or boyfriend, wife or husband), who is often rather passive and shy in the direct company of the Narcissist, who likes to do all the talking. Ask the partner a question, and it is often the Narcissist who replies or he interrupts their reply, possibly correcting some detail. The partner will laugh along with the Narcissists jokes and seems to love his every observation and anecdote.  When the Narcissist decides to move to another room, or even leave the party, the partner rarely asks if they can stay where they are longer but just follows the boss, few if any questions asked.  If you do get to chat to the partner when they are on their own they seem more relaxed and chatty. If the alpha-partner arrives on the scene, the passive partner becomes more passive still. 

The Narcissist will reduce most targeted victims to brooding silence, but what he really covets is an angry, aggressive outburst. The victim snaps, Hulks out, starts shouting, demanding apologies, or even enraged enough to threaten or attempt violence, and everyone sees them as the aggressor, not someone painted into a corner through a relentless bombardment of abuse and finally imploding.  The victim will find that everyone, steered by the Narcissist, accuses them of being too drunk, or giving in to their existing stress and anxiety,  The  accused may find himself ordered to calm down, expected to apologise to the real bully or even ordered to leave the party and social circle, temporarily or permanently by the hosts, while the Narcissist gets to play the poor defenceless innocent martyr, and victim, gaining sympathy and support from everyone, and in doing so, reinforces his svengali hold over his flying monkey cult.  

The host and even other guests should look out for such tendencies and intervene to contain and curtail them, ideally in their infancy. They need to be more willing to hear both sides of a dispute between  friends before picking sides, or favourites to defend. 

After repeated abuse reached a peak in the ‘Eeew, not you’  incident described above, I set out to notify some friends as to what was going on.  My main fear was that they would see my accusations as my word against his, and find it all too shocking to contemplate, I assumed they knew nothing of what was going on. I therefore sought out evidence by confronting my bully directly on his behaviour when I was able to see him on his own (six months after the last incident), and secretly audio-recorded him. I thought he would a/. Rashly admit to it all or b/. Flat out deny it all. He went for option c, which I hadn’t considered, selective memory. He simply declared that he had no recollection of what I was accusing him of.  This was like not remembering if you robbed a bank or not. If you didn’t you would actually remember not doing it, and remember, his partner has someone in her family sharing my health condition in many ways.  

His hesitation, laughter at initial hearing of my concerns/accusations and how quickly he got away from me rather than seeing my anger and distress and asking why I might think he could do such awful things, struck me as part of the evidence I needed. I forwarded my recording to the hosts of the party where his abuse towards me peaked. 

The response I got was staggering. First, it was pointed out to me by one host quite honestly that such stealth recordings are actually illegal if shared with a third party. I never knew this. I got the idea from seeing crime films where someone entraps criminal accomplices by wearing a wire.  The reality is that you can make stealth recordings but not share them with anyone else at all without the consent of anyone/everyone recorded.  The ruling is to stop the recorder from exploiting a recording commercially not for blackmail purposes (neither of these being in my intentions). I saw my action as investigative journalism, and the only people, myself excepted, to hear the recording were the hosts of two social events, namely the host who’s house the ‘eeew, not you,” attack was made and the host of the party where the recording was made. 

Recording aside, the host of the party was now informed of the incident in some detail.  Taking the recording out of the loop, the hosts were fully notified of what went on in their house, in writing. In fact I had already given them a full description of the incident, with only the location, date and names of participants excluded. They were fully supportive to me then, and freely saw the bully involved as ‘scum’.  Once they saw the notes accompanying the recording, which were the same, (chunks of it being cut and pasted from the original) but cluing in the fact that it happened at their house with their (named) friend being the villain, they twisted round into full apologetics mode on his behalf. What they stated included some breath-taking points. 

1/. They were not surprised in the slightest by his behaviour, as they knew of In unspecified number of) other incidents that made this typical of him.

2/. They did not consider his antics sufficient cause of concern to challenge him about it before and saw no reason to do so now. 

3/. His comments to me were to their thinking just a joke made in ‘admittedly’ bad taste but with no real intention to hurt, just a flash of insensitivity. This being literally treating a recovering cancer patient like a mediaeval leper). 

4/. My efforts to expose him (recording him) is somehow worse than what he did to provoke me into such a desperate defensive measure) and I somehow owe him an apology, not him owing me one.  I was even presented with a ridiculous script to follow in presenting my grovelling to the point of patronising apology to him). 

5/. They have zero intent to involve themselves in challenging him about what they know full well he does at their social events right under their nose and see it as nothing to do with them.  They are happy to invite him to future social events, seeing no reason to fear similar behaviour in future. 

6/. I should be more willing to see as they do that my antagonist is a perfectly ‘reasonable’ man when I get to know him, and that he will hear me out if I talk to him in the right circumstances. 

7/. One of the hosts deals with anti-bullying in a role as a school governor and uses the board’s directives that bullying needs to be a repeated pattern of abuse while my antagonist seems to have only targeted me once, so I should therefore let things lie unless he does it again.   

On this 7th outrageous defence, a/. my bully has gone for me before. b/.  He has targeted others as well, and as point one shows, they know of other incidents already themselves. c/. I have statements from two other people the bully has caused problems for, one of who is also known to the hosts of that party, though I have to treat these documents with confidentiality.  d/.  The bullying needs repeating to qualify it as true bullying school of thought is widely discredited as i/. Once can be destructive enough. ii/. The likelihood of a repeat incident has to be considered to intercept such behaviour before someone is hurt rather than mopping up the mess afterwards. iii/. It might be the first known assault on the victim around whom the issues are  arising, but there could be other victims too. iv/. The fear of future abuse, even if not directly applied, makes the very presence of the bully in the life and social sphere of the victim serve as bullying in itself.  It gives the victim a sense of dread. 

The hosts, knowing the problem goes on, choosing to distance themselves, become like Pontous Pilate, washing their hands of their own moral responsibilities.  Their distancing fuels the fire into a backdraft. The Flying Monkeys enable and reinforce the bullying, guaranteeing it will continue and intensify until matters reach a point where they can no longer be ignored, namely when  someone really gets irreparably hurt.   

I hope anyone seeing this adjusts how they observe their social associates, to watch for signs of such conflict and be brave and willing to intervene as and when required of them. If you are a flying monkey, it is time to tear off your wings.

Salvadore Dali’s painting, The Metamorphosis Of Narcissus https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metamorphosis_of_Narcissus

Arthur Chappell