Poem – Snubbed

Arthur performing at Vinyl Tap, Preston – photo by Kelsey

You are not even offered the most basic social greeting

As you arrive at the party, the reunion event or the meeting.

They haven’t seen you in months, but don’t ask how you are.

No interest in what your journey was like though they know you travelled far.

A forced polite smile is about the best you can hope to receive

No one says hello as you arrive or goodbye as you or they leave

You wonder what you said or did that was wrong

There was a time when you felt you felt like you did belong

In the company of the elite that seems to be closing ranks

Even if you pass someone their drink you’re lucky if you get so much as a ‘thanks’.

They know you had cancer, and your Mum is dying

That even if you don’t show it, inside you are crying

They chat to each other  around you as if you were a ghost

Distancing themselves from you when you need them the most

You try to join in an ongoing conversation but you might as well simply not be there

Sometimes they look at you in consternation, and sometimes they practically stare

While you end up with a table all to yourself

The last puppy on the pet shop shelf.

Arthur performing at Vinyl Tap, Preston – photo by Kelsey

Everyone hates

Disability–Billy-No-Mates.

Your efforts to initiate conversation

Evaporate like heatwave condensation

Gaining grunts, tuts and excuses to move away

You are left feeling like the bad player not chosen to play

On the team, and no one has the courtesy to even try

Offering you any explanation or reason why

You are suddenly persona non-grata, someone to shun

Not giving a toss that you don’t seem to be having all that much fun

You show signs of despair, mental illness and depression.

Maybe they avoid eye contact with you for fear you’ll give expression

To how you really feel  with dementia eating away at your mum

You stoma bag burden, not quite being cancer free, anxieties leaving you numb

Inside, in need of hugs, and some degree of inclusion

Not being made to feel being present at all is an unwelcome intrusion

For which chairs will be turned to face away

And friends ignoring most of what you try to say.

I’ve had family stealing my property

Cowardly narcissists scoring pointless points off of me

A cult stole my mind for nearly five years.

Is it an wonder some level of neurosis rears

It’s head after my run in with cancer?

In what way is a wall of social silence any kind of answer?

You look as if you are struggling to recover from some kind of attack

So the lack of support is just a way some people have of piling on the back.

Someday you might crash and burn out a bit too.

When and if you do somehow everything to do with you

Becomes forbidden, verboten, no-go, taboo.

That you had a new book published fails to impress

If anything your achievements makes some so called  ‘friends’ merely quite jealous.

Though somehow you found yourself invited to some social event

Some of those present seem to regret and resent

You turning up there.

There was a time when they seemed to  genuinely care

But something went wrong, so you are made to feel alienated

You used to feel wanted and loved but now you just feel unjustly berated and hated.

I hope such social distancing is not something I ever do

Even to someone stressed out, unwell, or smelling like poo.

A group of friends should not start behaving like some exclusive elite

Sending someone to Coventry is a way to bully, intimidate and mistreat

In a way that only rapists, paedos and killers probably deserve

It is not something any of should ever serve

On someone for being merely a little out on the edge of their tether

Looking unhappy, or feeling a touch under the weather.

When you know full well a friend has been or still goes through serious shit

You shouldn’t need it spelling out to you in the slightest bit

That you should show you still care and that they are still welcome by your side

Turning your back on them will only tear them apart even more inside.

If you’ve ever left me or anyone else feeling left on the shelf

You really ought to be fucking ashamed of yourself!

Arthur Chappell

Narcissus Terminology – Who Is The Narcissist?

The main terms and medical terms for clinical Narcissism are not without their problems. The main ones I see over and over again are Narcissism, Flying Monkeys and Love Bombing.  

This essay addresses Narcissism itself – Drawing from the Greek myth of Narcissus who was cursed with being too physically beautiful, and ends up drowning in a pool trying to become one with his own reflection.  He represents vanity and being self-absorbed. The real tragedy of the Narcissus story is the fate of his girlfriend, Echo. Unable to find Narcissus (who has sunk into the pool and died) she roams the mountains crying out for him until she fades away leaving only her voice calling out in her absence – the mythical origin of the ‘echo effect’.   

Psychological Narcissism has nothing to do with physical appearances (though some Narcissists might have such gym-fitness fanatical obsession with looking good too). It is a love affair with the sound of their own voice, certainty that they know more than others, a confusion between knowledge and wisdom, and the notion that their perception of the World has to be imposed on others. A closer, more accurate role model is Jean Paul Sartre’s concept of The Look (aka, The Gaze) . This is where someone tries to get others to see them as they see themselves, which is impossible as others are external to us and seeing / Interpreting us through their own eyes.  The Narcissist, the dominator, the Sadist, tries to force others to see him or her as if they were the Narcissist, looking back on himself. They try to mentor and manipulate others into being their clones.  They get angry, passive-aggressive and intimidating because the others are showing ongoing displays of independence, and having a separate way to see reality. They don’t see the idealised look the look the Narcissist has for himself.  

The psychological Narcissist won’t drown in his own reflection. He will try to get his Echoer to drown in his reflection.  Echo won’t get to pine away alone in the mountains. The Narcissist would need her to fix her gaze on him so he can see her pain and exploit it or punish it when it is not reflecting his ‘look’.  

Youtube – Narcissism Defined https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-w4jxWPczLc

Youtube – Sartre’s The Look examined. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r-qoABSF9E  

Arthur Chappell

Narcissism – Flying Monkeys Defined

A phrase drawn from The Wizard Of Oz, especially the first and most classic film depiction of the story.  The Monkeys don’t appear much in the film, but they are the Wicked Witches minions, an air-force squadron sent out by her to spy on, attack or abduct her enemies.  On her orders they fly out of her castle window to hunt for Dorothy, (Judy Garland’s character), her dog Toto and her faithful allies. The monkeys, seen as somehow created or magically altered by the witch, follow their orders blindly, unquestioningly, and totally. 

Their unspecified origins aside, the story monkeys just do what most soldiers do – they follow orders and do their job.  

A Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys are often just people hoodwinked, blinkered and brainwashed into failing to see the Narcissist for what he is. The Wicked Witch’s minions know who she is and what she expects of them. 

Some (human) Flying Monkeys however may see the Narc for what he is and envy his power, possibly hoping to learn the skills to develop themselves as Narcs.  They may well be Narcissists (at least as apprentices) themselves, often behaving just like him in his absence, though they rarely if ever out-narc the master.  

Most human FM’s will genuinely not see themselves as FM’s at all.  If ever openly called or accused of being FM’s they may feel insulted by the pejorative, negative connotations of the expression. They will be people the narc has hoodwinked into thinking he is a nice decent guy. The Narc wants to be The Fonz, the ultra-cool dude in the Happy Days TV show, right about everything, smooth talking, and with the sexiest girls just melting into his arms, but he isn’t the Fonz. He is just an imposter, and a con-man, though many still fall under his projected charisma to the point of defending him, forgiving and finding apologetic excuses for his faults, etc. They will laugh at his every joke, failing to see that they are often both cruel and projected at a limited number of people, namely those who do see through him, and find themselves detached from the circle of monkeys bonding round him. 

Peer group pressure is powerful in flying monkey groups,  the one not fitting in or conforming earns the narc’s displeasure and so ends up alienated by the monkeys, who would otherwise be his friends too.  Most of the Oz FM’s know they are FM’s. Most of a Narc’s FM’s don’t believe they are being groomed and brainwashed into such a role. Ask most people if they have been brainwashed and they will say no. Most will be right, as they haven’t but most who are still brainwashed will also say no, and they are being honest as they never sensed it happening.  I was brainwashed. I was in an actual cult in the early 1980’s.  Had you asked me in 1983 if I was brainwashed, my answer would have been no, of course not, and I would have believed it.  The Witch’s Flying Monkeys would freely admit their status. “Yes, I am simian. I have wings and I work for the witch.”   The Narc’s monkeys will mostly wonder what you are accusing them of something so outrageous for.

The FM’s are enablers and audience for the Narc. Without them to witness for him, defend him against the victim and act as his eyes and ears, the Narc loses his power.  A reason why you might become a victim of a Narc is because he has failed to convert you into an FM. You see right through his spiel. You don’t fawn and patronise him or laugh at his every joke. You are the one who objects when he interrupts a conversation, or you show empathy to someone the Narc already targets. You dare to correct the Narc’s discussion points or call him out. He is threatened by your display of independence and non-conformity, and he will help make the monkeys reflect his displeasure too.  

Taking on the Monkeys is a bit like being the hero of High Noon, the movie. In this classic Western, Gary Cooper is a sheriff in a typical wild west town. He has at some time arrested a man and put him in jail for many years. He learns the man is now free and coming to the town with a posse of trained killers, to get revenge on him. Knowing he will fare badly against the approaching gang on his own, the sheriff tries to get the other men of the town to help him. He has just an hour to get a counter-team together. From sheer cowardice, the men of the town make excuses not to help him, and though not directly in the kill-gang coming in, the men act as their enablers, withdrawing support, sitting on the fence. The lawman finally ends up taking on the killers alone, and being Gary Cooper, he wins. 

Taking on the Narcissist, you may think pleading to your friends for assistance will be useful, but they will have excuses, not wanting to take sides, they will say he never did them any harm, that you are overreacting to something the narc said or did, if they believe he did it at all. Some may even warn the Narc that you are trying to challenge him, and you will end up facing him alone, with the Flying Monkeys not only sitting on the fence sitting, but often directly siding against you. And you are not Gary Cooper, you are outnumbered. Retreat, even if sacrificing lifelong friends, is often your best, if not only avenue of escape.  Once you are gone, the Narc will turn on some of the monkeys as he needs victims, and the group will ultimately implode on itself.  They may realise that you were right all along, which may or may not be too late for them to try to reconcile with and apologise to you if their pride allows it and if you feel like forgiving the hurt they caused you. 

Youtube – The Flying Monkeys scene – The Wizard Of Oz https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQkAVR3eAL8

Youtube – A presentation on clinical flying monkeys. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vbcpgoWTtk

Arthur Chappell

Narcissist Love Bombing Defined

Love Bombing is a term rooted in religious cults.  The Church Of Reverend Sung Myung Moon, known as the Moonies, practised what was also going on in many new religious movements but their members had a cynically coined name for the active recruitment technique, ‘Love Bombing’.  A newcomer to one of their meetings or church services will often be greeted by ever-smiling, ever cheery young people, have his or hand shaken vigorously and possibly even get hugged a lot.  The love and affection can get touchy-feely, overpowering and intense.  The newcomer’s story of how they came to the church will wow the listeners as will everything about the newcomer.  They will hear you first came in after meeting say John, or Jane. This will be treated quickly as very special.  John and Jane only know ‘the bestest people’, and they are great judges of character. You must be so privileged, charming and special. Everyone is thrilled to be in your presence. You can end up feeling like an A-List movie star surrounded by adoring fans, even though it is people who have literally only just discovered you even exist.  You’ll be asked about your life and work. If you have a job, it’ll be the bestest, and they may play on someone in the group doing or having done similar work. (it also gives them clues to your income that will help  them decide your true financial worth to the cult).  Your hobbies will be the best, whether you say you only watch football on TV or go out kite-surfing every weekend.  The love bombing saturates you in excessive often cloying flattery, and affection. They will fall over themselves to do you favours, buying you a beer, or a meal, carrying your luggage for you and if you don’t drive, they will go out of their way to give you a car ride home (which also lets them clock your address). Everyone is suddenly your new best friend. If they don’t see you for a few days they will say they really missed you and got worried you might not come back, or indicate distress that they somehow offended you. It’s all faked manufactured sincerity. This can be maintained over months.

Another side of it will be the confessional one, where members may see you as someone they can tell their troubles too; confiding in you about having taken drugs, feeling bad about a terminated pregnancy,  once self-harming or attempting suicide, though seeing the cult as having rescued them from all that.  

Their candid stories can make you open up to relate similar stories from your own past, recent or distant. This will move them to further hugs (and in some,but by no means all cults the flirting can extend to full on sexual intimacy though it remains all faked and controlling).  

Your confessed material is relayed covertly to cult elders, and can later be used to guilt trip you and in some cases even as outright blackmail material.  

The often glorious ego massaging honeymoon period that is love bombing wil stop, sometimes suddenly and brutally to be replaced with angry rebukes. You will be made to feel as if you have let everyone down after all the love and sacrifice and self-honesty they have shared.  You are then trapped in trying to recapture that magical love-atmosphere, and it will then be switched on and off like a tap, as a system of carrot-stick punishment and reward to engineer you to where they want to be. That is in a nutshell how many cults operate. 

A Narcissist love bombs in a similar way; they gain friends with flattery, affection, showering someone with gifts, putting you on a pedestal. A romance can be a whirlwind. Many (but certainly not all) love at first sight relationships are actually results of such control and love bombing. 

In a cult, a group controls the individual. The Narcissist flips that by being an individual who can love bomb a group, though with particular individuals singled out for more attention than others. He will become the life and soul of the party. He might use clever tricks, even actual magic conjuring tricks to get everyone watching him. He is a supremely cool dude, but a smooth talking con-man, the kind of guy who could sell you the Brooklyn Bridge. Suddenly, he owns the room. If he’s invited to parties, other friends will agree to attend on the promise that he is coming, and offers to show more of his clever tricks and offers generous gifts to some guests.  He necomes an indispensible assett, a selling point.

The Narc will quickly notice that some guests at the party seem less impressed by his hard sell self-promotion, the ones who see only a shady used car salesman selling a brightly striped sports car with a busted gear box. That person is then treated as the party-pooper, the one not getting, or in on the joke.  The rest of the group starts to ignore the individual, or even rebuke them. The Narc will play on this to the max.  The individual single out will be made to feel detached, secondary, or even full on excommunicated. It isn’t paranoia, as they are out to get you. It can fuel paranoia and suspicion though. A Narc gaslights, and makes you doubt your own sanity.  You don’t fit in, the group likes the narc and you don’t so you assume you are the one who is wrong and not fitting in is your fault. It’s actually your saving grace, not a fault. You are seeing through the scam. You know the emperor has no new shiny clothes, and that he is actually just naked.  

With a one to one relationship, the love bombing might be maintained right to the wedding, but the object of the narc’s control expresses doubts, disagreement, or shows a wish to do something other than the narc desires, the affection is withdrawn, replaced with silence or possibly some other punishment up to actual violence, but also with a sliding scale of name calling, blaming, guilt-tripping, insults, withdrawal of favours,  exposure to peer group pressure from others (the flying monkeys in particular), emotional blackmail, and a threat to separate or divorce entirely.  The Narc may well start love bombing others, sharing the affection once exclusively given to the partner he claimed he only had eyes for.  As the love bombing is withdrawn, it is replaced with a vacuum or with abuse, both of which amount to hate bombing which should be a cue to the victim to get out of there but the desire for a return to the happier times runs strong and other ties, through family, friends, finance, home ownership, children, etc and possibly threats of retribution, if not actual acts of retribution, can trap the victim for the long run, if not permanently or until pushed too far, they finally escape. The important thing is for you to get yourself out. You want to help the other victims but you can’t any more than you can get someone free from quicksand while you are also sinking into it.

Youtube – Narcissistic Love Bombing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKEjiyDivcc

Arthur Chappell   

Poem – Worse Than Boring

Me performing poetry – Taken from the audience

Why am I always a magnet for the boring buggers?

It’s bad enough running into bullies and muggers

But I get stuck in the corner with the most tedious pricks on the planet 

What have I done to deserve this, God Dammit! 

“Look at this photo of a pigeon on my window sill 

He looks so pretty, and he’s standing really still, 

Now look at this second shot. No, it’s not the same as the last one – Look again 

He’s moved a few millimeters along, you can tell from his shadow on the gutter-drain 

Now in shot three he’s inched on a little bit more

I didn’t quite believe it first but now I’m quite sure 

Photo five confirms it, he’s walking the ledge. Walking the ledge!  

Even though he’s got wings, and can easily fly off the edge 

Any time he wants and look what happens when he reaches the end 

He turns round, even though there’s barely room to bend 

To start walking back towards me and my lens.

Sadly at that point he got spooked and flew off, chased by some wrens

So I took shots of my carpet and a few selfies as well….. “

LIstening to this crap, I think I’m in Hell

I’m too too polite to get angry and yell

Get a life, you sad boring bastard 

It’s not a skill I ever mastered 

And the bore is not intentionally mean

Just a lonely sod who hasn’t yet seen 

How uninteresting he can be prattling on all night 

But I can still tolerate him more than the outright gobshite 

Who always seems to home in on me 

With his crass opinions and pompous ideology

The boring bird man was an irritating but well meaning twit  

But the latest threat is an apex-predator bursting with bull shit, 

Prattling loud and fast, not letting others get a word in 

Through a Narcissist monologue that really gets under my skin

I’d listen to the bore and his birds all night before 

Someone in love with the sound of his own voice 

Convinced that nobody should have any choice

But to be subjected to his superior intellect 

Looking down on distracted dissenters like insignificant insects 

The boring bastard becomes a saving grace 

When you’ve had some twat ranting right in your face 

With zero regard for your boundaries and space 

And you wonder why he keeps getting re-invited

By friends who seem incredibly short-sighted

Failing to see what you see or hear what you hear.

The only solution is to quietly disappear 

Ignoring the invites and going nowhere near

The environment where empathy free Narcissists rule

The boring sod is just a harmless well meaning fool

He wouldn’t ever put me off going out

But if some egomaniac is likely to be hanging about 

I will find somewhere else for me to be 

On the night you throw your next party.

Arthur Chappell